Hells bells and buckets of blood. what a trip it is trying to find an internet bloody cafe. As posted earlier, the computer at the Oasis hotel is on the blink and probably wont be fixed for a couple of days due to Nyepi. the longer i stay at this hotel the less i like it (hope youre getting this John. T.v. is useless, tried to retune it but still no better. Hardly enough light to read a book and wait till i tell you about the Dunnie.
The Dunnie,when i first got to the room, i didnt go straight to the dunnie, im still young enough to have some control, but, when i approached it I suddenly became aware of its orrientation. That is to say it is sideways to the room!!! In otherwords, you approach the said vessel, turn sideways, raise your right leg, step accross the gaping bowl and then lower yourself onto the buttock receptacle until you make contact, all the while leaning backwards further and further until your knees are touching the wall and your forehead is flattened against the wall tiles. Yes, Im serious. (only in Bali?). Maybe somebody has a profound theory as to why this arrangement has any sense to it. At last you come to the right hand salute and, forgetting the close proximity of the wall tiles, you do that little lunge thing that we are all used to whilst trying to create some "salute" clearance and SMACK, now you have a headache. Must be good for those with Bali Belly as you could just park yourself, go to sleep and let nature take its course whilst you are wedged into a position that is equally difficult to extricate yourself from. my advice to anybody wishing to avail themselves of this challenge after reading this is, before doing the right hand leg lift spread and jump is, take yer knickers right off before approaching this ride.
Woke up yesterday at 5.00 am, obviously my internal clock is still set on Melbourne time, decided I didnt want to waste my Bali time in a hotel room, so after a shower and crabwalking to a meeting with the toilet, sans undies, I set off for a walk down to the beach at around 5.30. I gotta tell ya, it was the best time of day to enjoy Bali. The sun was starting to light the sky behind me, a slight breeze and lots of young Muslim families, in particular, enjoying some time together on the beach with the kids. Some Westerners walking dogs, ex-pats presumably, and a few people doing excercise routines and others running along the beach at the waters edge. It was a serene short period of time which was made even better as I wandered south towards the back of Discovery, I was peering accross the water out to the outriggers about 200 metres off shore when I saw something jump out of the water midway. I kept focussing on the same spot until it happened a couple more times and it looked like rather small ,(Dinner plate sized) rays having a bit of Air time. I kept watching for a few more minutes but I think they had decided i had seen enough. Just another Bali moment for me.
Was walking up Jln Legian on Monday night when I was approached by a Holy Man coming the other way. Doing my customary, "G'day mate" he blocked my path, grabbed both my hands in his, kissed my hands, dragged me into a hug, kissed me on the cheeks 3 times, pulled out some wooden beads, tapped em to my forehead, put the beads onto my right wrist and stood back beaming at me. I beamed back waiting for what would come next. Apparently that was the end of the blessing because he looked deeply into my soul and said "Money". I thought "Why the hell not" so i pulled out my wallet and gave him 20,000. He looked into my wallet and said "100,000". To which I replied "No". He started to argue the point so I turned away to continue my walk and Im not certain what he said but Im pretty sure I had just paid 20,000 to be cursed by a Holy man. Maybe that explains what happened to me this morning. Dont miss this, keep reading, Im paying 12,000 an hour to type this.
Woke up this morning at my (now) customary 5.00 am, Bali time, went to have a smoke, having none left, I thought better go next door to Circle K and stock up for Nyepi and then walk to beach for another moment or 3. Having made my purchases, cigarettes, Listerene, I was standing out on the footpath front of shop when a lady(?) pulled into the other side of the road from me on her scooter. She beckoned me to her with a few "Psst, Pssst} and beckoning me with her fingers I gave her a dismissing wave and continued puffing away at my ciggie. She crossed the road pushing her scooter but was still about 20 metres away. "Pssst, Pssst, and more beckoning with the fingers curling. I gave her another wave, turned away and headed towards the hotel not even 30 metres away. As I got to the end of the dark alley, next to the entrance to the hotel, the scooter came down the alley and she pulled up next to me, got off the scooter, approached with, "scuse me, scuse me" , she took hold of my hands, {Im thinking these Holy people go to great lengths}, then she starts qizzing me. How long in Bali, when you go home etc. I thought i knew what was coming, but i got a little bit of a shock when she started to tickle my crotch. I backed away trying to dismiss her but she came in close and hugged me to her, saying "I be your woman for Nyepi, I love you". This was NOT hilarious. Next she pulls me in, hands go around my neck and she is trying to kiss me. I mean, she had her helmet on. She is now trying to press herself hard up against me, Im trying to extricate myself from a woman I now have decided is deranged with lust for my body, when I felt the tiniest whisper on my neck of my gold necklace slithering across my nape. Christ she was good. I pushed her away, looked straight into her face with my best Jack Reacher impersonation and said "Give it back". Of course she tried to look like she didnt know what i was talking about. I repeated myself a couple of times as she was getting back on her scooter but she just tried to get on her way. It seemed that my accusation had coolled her ardour a bit. Next we were yelling at each other a bit and i had pictures in my mind of my necklace riding off into the sunrise and never to be seen again. This was the necklace that my partner had her parents bring back for her, as a gift for me, back in 1994. No way Baby.
I grabbed the best handful of her puffy jacket and reefed her off the scooter. Now, I thought this is gonna get ugly. She started to become more vociferous so I decided I needed to do this in front of witnesses. She had no hope of getting out of my grip so I proceeded to drag her into the reception area where I knew staff were on duty. She saw straight away what my intentions were so she stuffed the strand of my necklace into my hand saying "Sorry, sorry, so sorry, sorry". I started to feel around my pockets to see what else was missing and couldnt feel my wallet any where. I yelled at her "Give me back my wallet". I was standing blocking her way and holding onto the handlebars of her scooter at this stage and she looked at me and said "it is in your hand" I felt like such a fool. She took off back up the laneway and I stood there in disbelief at the situation and thought, "This could have turned out very differently if I hadnt felt that tiny movement of the chain on the back of my neck.
I thank my lucky stars I dont have to go home and explain the loss of the chain to "She who must be feared"
More in a day or so, after Nyepi. Happy travels, Billthefencer