BLUE OCEAN RESTAURANT
We turned right on the beach and in 200 metres arrived at Blue Ocean Restaurant, which was in full swing. The menu was unbelievably cheap, the beer cold and what more could you want, what with the wondrous eye-candy of the Euro-Nakeds of the female sex frisking and frolicking in carefree fashion out front; Marie's hand was eventually fatigued as she tried to keep my mind on the job, mainly she, herself and I don't blame her as I was rather rudely entranced by the show of delightful naked flesh, although it had to be admitted that a few would have been better covered up and this, in due course, brought us to a game of commenting on the display :'Cover' 'Don't cover' and even 'Pass me the bucket' or the ultimate negation as 'Double-bagger'. Pass-Remarkable wee Celts were we!
One French lady entered from the beach with her toddler, nakedly in tow, as was she. They commenced to shower under a high tap beside the restaurant, in full view. When young one had been showered, Mom decided to do a Brigitte Bardot show with the soap, gyrating and soaping sensuously, to the delight of us gaping noshers, who couldn't look elsewhere. As a Finale, she bent over to her toes, showing her clevities backwards ,in great detail as she inserted digits and soaped copiously, nothing missed, probably saying rude things in her Francais, about gaping non-Euros as she went at her private parts with great detail. Welcome to Seminyak, home of posers and gapers.
When dancing started, my knee started to play up and we decided to go home to our poolside for a plunge and a bit of Duty-Free sampling. Before going to bed we reminded Front office Snooties of their promise to have the drains fixed by 10AM to-morrow: what ill-founded optimism!
BATTLE OF THE MANKY DRAIN
At 10.30 AM the battle of the Manky Drain recommenced, starting with our demand to see our ‘Agent' who arrived at 12.30 and showed great interest in selling us tours, none in helping us with Management or the solving of our problem, which we reminded him was his duty. What a joke; he went into ‘non English speaking' mode, on the spot. Deciding upon affirmative action we returned to room, packed our bags and called for a porter to drag our bags to Reception, where we caused severe loss of face, such as it was, to the Brahmin Brigade. We only lost a pair of quite expensive massage sandals, on the way, which we later found would probably be worn openly by a room-boy, when we had gone home.
'Why the bags Sir?' they queried and got the answer 'going out to look for an hotel without a pig-sty smell' replied the rather hostile Moi! 'No need for that' they said, 'we can find you another room because a few people have left'. 'OK sez I, we want a downstairs room, close to the beach, non smelly, NOW'. This wish was immediately granted as we refused to go through the formalities of booking in again and followed, after some mutterings, the rather discontented porter, who was not looking forward to a tip; however, we surprised him there, as it was not his fault that he was working for con artists. The new room was bigger, brighter and above all clean-smelling, 50 metres to beach and 50 metres to the pool, all due to my allegations re. fatherlessness of the Reception Staff; thus ended the War of Book-In and we didn't have to wake them up again!
NANNA -JACKING
Surprise, Surprise. The A La Carte was still a non-starter and at about 7PM we started to trundle beach-wards only to be halted by a shout from upstairs ‘Where are you off to?' and having replied 'dinner at 10% of that price', we were quickly joined by three lively ladies from Bassendean, mature aged but frisky with the aid of a few nibbles of Brandy and/or Rum. One of them suspected they were being Nanna-Jacked but gave in to the majority ruling. What lovely, humorous ladies they turned out to be, having been sequestered in the hotel for about five days, refusing to be forced to eat at inflated prices and stubbornly subsisting on sandwiches, crisps and tea or beer, as they waited for reason to prevail. We became firm friends and came on trips at the same time as them for some years. Only one glitch in our relationship occurred and that was on Saturday when their beloved Swans were beaten by Old East (our team) : almost unforgiveable but nothing a couple of snorts of Irish Whiskey wouldn't fix.
TRIP TO BESAKIH
Notable among our adventures was a tour to Besakih, The Mother Temple, on a very steep hill. We decided to leave the climbing to the more dedicated of the ‘Culture Vultures', who eventually came back puffed from their adventures and with the information that anything worth looking at was at a price. The practice of having to sign the ‘book' was in full swing, where the previous signee had always inked in an exorbitant donation, in an effort to up the donation by the entrant; this trick was in full sway even in 2009 on our most recent trip!
While the Culture Vultures were climbing their dedicated selves silly, we decided to sit on a stool at a local Warung, (small shop) one among many, which was selling beer from a barrel of ice. They attempted to double the price, no doubt because of our still rather pale skins, until we pointed at the menu posted on the wall. After they tried the same trick, with the same result, on packets of nuts and crispies, we became good friends and formed the habit of dropping in when in the vicinity, seeing as their lack of Mathematical Education had been sorted out; no good choosing another Warung, because the process of Mathematical Education would need to be repeated; worth a giggle or two but boring.
LACK OF MATHEMATICAL EDUCATION
On this, our first trip, we became conversant with some of the Money Changers' antics; the RP to the A$ at that time was 630. The following, were identified and seem to still be in use for tourists who are obviously identified by their pale skin as ‘Baru Datang', newly arrived. Beware the places offering super-high rates as these are usually the most fiddly, the operators having taken courses in prestidigitation along with bare-faced lying.
'Oops, sorry dropped one.'
'Excuse me while I fetch a bag from out back, out of sight'
'Counting to correct amount and then dropping one or two higher denomination notes, while your attention is distracted by the female associate's wobbling of breasty bits.
'Using a previously doctored adding machine with a minus percentage entered, as proof of their honesty;' the machine cannot lie' The tactic there is to either use your own calculator or use theirs, having turned it off and re-starting it, which will then give correct figures.' Wonder what caused that error?' Is the usual comment, must need new batteries.'
It is rumoured that operators must pass a course at the ‘Magic School' before being considered for employment. At this time, 2011, new fiddles have been invented and it pays to consult The Bali Travel Forum, for the location of the honest ones.