WATERBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!
This theme park is the one place in Bali where every face has a smile and everyone is happy to be there...at least until the misfits of Western Australia arrived. You remember? The mismatched sock brigade, the over-loved board shorts, the Paris Hilton sunglasses,and the awkward walk from 'the Thighs of Steel Syndrome.'
Even our local Balinese family who came with us for the day , started shuffling away from us in the entry queue. Waterbom staff check your bags for bombs, food and drink coming into the park. Silly gooses didn't think to check ourpuffed-out cheeks for pasties. Once past the checkpoint we retrieved our booty-- a little damp because of the drool but otherwise in great shape. Point to us!
Downstairs to the Lockers top grab towels & stow our bags. Having stuffed our cargo in the lockes we suddenly realized that it was unusually quiet & we were therefore one person short....Farmboy! Where the dickens was he? Couldn't find him anywhere. Then, ever so faintly, we heard a muffled,'Cooooooweeeee!' T'was then we remembered that Farmboy was Great Southern Districts, Hide & Seek Champion in 2009. Sure enough we popped open the locker and there grinning back at us in a fearfully contorted state was the stupid boy......Avoiding the disturbed looks of the other paying patrons we shoe-horned the ninny out of there.
Off we finally trotted into the heart of the park. Oh my gravy!! All mannner of people, nationalities, religions and ,well, 'bathing ware...'could be seen thronging about. A veritable united Nations of bathing cozzies. Europeans in tiny little 'hanky'sized speedo's. Muslims in head to toe , very sun smart, one pieces. American males with Star spangled banners on their 'Ruffles & Florishes.' Middle aged Russians in oversized shorts with oversizes bellies hanging over their waistbands smooching unnaturally attractive girls half their age.....[ lucky beggars......OUCH! Yes dear I'm coming...No!!! I wasn't staring at those Russian girls....] Chinese & South Koreans with cozzies that my nan would have worn in the 1960's. Luvully French & Italian ladies in impossibly tight bikinis.......we admired the fabric on those for a little bit.
So really our mob blended in quite well in our lairy togs. The only one of the group that did look out of place was....Farmboy with his 22 watches strapped to one arm; { stupid boy...}
Right then! Which ride first? The Lazy River sounded like a splendid way to commence proceedings. The sign suggested that it was a gentle, restful glide around a lush & tranquil circular course. NOT!!! When all 11 of us simultaneously launched ourselves into the water [ some us having 2 & 3 inflatable tubes attached ] it unfortunately created something of a large compression wave. In front of us we witnessed the horrified groups of adult & kiddie rafters frantically try to scramble clear of the rolling wall of water that we had created. The Poseidon-like tidal wave swept all and sundry up and over the carefully manicured garden borders into most undignified resting points. This fortunately left the way ahead nicely uncluttered so we enjoyed a very pleasant ride save for the occasional caustic look from beached & marooned patrons, still stuck in their gayly coloured inflatables, as we drifted past them. The lifeguards obviously approved of our cheery disposition as they nodded their heads as we glided past them and murmurred that local blessing we kept hearing, "Boodoggh,boodoggh,boodoggh."
One of group named, "Poo,"{it's a very long story folks } seemed tobe experiencing some difficulty with his inflatable tube. Only his legs were visable sticking straight up from the centre of the tube. We weren't entirely sure how long he could hold his breath so we retrieved the poor dear and exited the water----just in time to see the Tidal wave we had caused come past us again carrying an assortment of wide eyed sceaming tourists. Boy oh boy they were having the time of their lives..
Next ride. Up we climbed to the perilous heights of the big tower to take on the "Smash Down." [ Note to reader: There is a direct correlation between the number of steps you should climb and the frequency of one's visits to BreadTalk.] After six flights of stairs, four exclaimations of," I'll smoke another cigarette ever again," three facial colour changes from pink through to beetroot, and two near cases of hyperventilation, we all safely arrived at the top of the tower.[ Having been passed-by by 27 kiddies, five pensioners, the German lady with the zimmer frame, two taksis and, would you believe it! Ketut! Our favourite grinning bus driver.]
We poked our lungs back down our throats and looked around. MAAAARVELLOUS view. Something like the view from that 'Slingshot' thingy would have been if you know who hadn't nanna-napped his way through it the other evening. Poo volunteers to be the first to try the 'Smash Down' [ The plucky beggar! ] "What sort of ride is this ,matey?" he enquires of the ride attendant. The friendly little chap looks at us all and grins,"nice gentle one, Boss."
NOTE TO READER: As I have previously discovered in Bali - when locals 'grin ' at you.....potentially bad things may happen to you!
As if to confirm this, as Poo sits down to ready himself [ merrily chatting away to himself ] the attendant smiles sweetly at us and launches Poo down the slid with a swift backwards kick. One moment Poo is yakking away and the next,"See you down therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!!In all my years I have never heard such a shrill girlie scream coming from such a big boof of a bloke. We cautiously peeked over the edge to see Poo 100 feet below us being helped to his feet, his long board shorts reduced to a thong like bunch around his lilly white buttocks.FURTHER NOTE TO READER: all over spray tan is highly recommended for just this sort of occasion.
I'm sorry folks this will have to be the end of Part 1 as The Reverend Mother Superior has just popped out of the bedroom and suggested that it would be in my best interests to 'Come to bloomin' bed or else'...... See you tomorrow for Part 2.....COMING DEAR!