Relaxing beside the pool dreaming about my last trip to Bali 23 years,a time when the topless ladies were either side of me.I hear a voice asking me if the water is cold. I was chatting to some lovely ladies enjoying my bintang when I hear a foot tapping and feel a shadow blocking my sun. I look up asking "do you mind?" the wife replies "No I don;t" .I thought you were sick!" with a cheeky grin I reply,I'm feeling much better now".she told me to get the bamboo pole and meet me out the front.i thought I'm in for it.I meet her out there and she's got 30..count em,30 bags.do I look like a porter?I grab the pole and the bags and she clouts me.?whats's that for? Pretending to be crook and chatting up the ladies!
I thought I was in her good books when sh asked me for a favour.I thought Hello,I'm in for a good time,but no,she wanted some money changed.
so once again I head up the road meanwhile dodging potholes,broken pavement, motorbikes,taxis and Balinese shouting Hello Boss, want transport, want sunnies, hats, purse ,wallets?
this guys shouts out You wanna rent scooter,give you good price. I tell him I don't have a license, can't ride a bike.He calls me a girl. I head up to the circle K,my phone rings,its the wife"whats taking so long? So I get the money and head back through he gauntlet the other way when this girl steps out on to the road in front of a scooter,so I grab her and pull her back and she gives me a filthy look like I was trying to seal her purse.
we decide to take our free massage in the hotel.I've never had a massage before.The girl takes me into a room and tells me to lay on my stomach and disappears. Having a beautiful girl massage me I thought it was my lucky day.I'm thinking of this lovely girls hands all over my body when a distinctly male voice says "you're all done boss"I asked what happened to the girl who brought me in?" oh shes in the other room massaging your wife"
the wife says lets go out for tea.good idea I say.We jump in a cab.Is the meter on? Yes boss.We're heading to Goodies again,but we can't explain where it is properly.After about 10 minutes driving around he stops in the middle of the road and radios head office, only they don't know either,meanwhile the meters still ticking. I tell him again its on the beach off jl66.Eventually and 18k later we get there.The waitress tells us its nice to see us again.wife orders Bintang.Before Husband can say Bintang wife says lemonade.I ask why am I drinking lemonade? she says "You have a bad stomach."
we discuss whats on for tomorrow,sife says Bali Safari Prk.
we arrive at Bali safari park,Its' hot and sticky. there's an interesting thing ,overhead is a fine mist spraying over you everywhere you walk. At first I thought it was bug spray,the wife thought perfume,to cover animal smell,but its just water,it cools you down when a breeze blows.
the elephant awareness show was pretty good,saw that and headed to our elephant ride.
Husband gets on elephant first in front. Wife wants to know why he is in front. Husband says your dress is going to be up around your neck once you've got your legs over the elephant. Oh she says "oh" and climbs on the back.
Husband is sitting on elephant handing on the the bar that is the only thing between him and the ground and feels tap on his shoulder.It's the wife. She want's me to hold her hat,camera and sunnies.where to stick the sunnies?
we posed for our pics and it feels good to be on an elephant again after 40 plus years of remembering an elephant ride at taronga zoo as a child.
I feel another tap on the shoulder.she wants to know am I taking photos? While holding the bar,the hat,the camera and the sunnies.
we approach a very very steep hill.I ask "are we going up that? "Yep".
the elephant groans and turns its head looking back at us,I swear he's thinking I wish they were on the other elephant.
we're slowly going along swaying like you do on a motorbile into the turns.the wife seems to go the opposite way all the time. the pad under us,that holds the support we're sitting in,slide to one side,all the time I'm thinking we're going to be under the elephant.the driver stops the elephant,gets off with us still on it and adjusts the pad.there's nobody holding the elephant.He asks the wife to move her but over for the 15th time.
we head to water.wife asks are we going in.yes. wife is scared. It has to go slowly downhill into it,so we're tilting forwards towards the elephants head.wife scared more. Next thing I'm in pain. wife has fingernails dug into husbands back.Husband not happy.He has no bandaids.we're in the water and wife thinks its going to roll over an dwim..we stop for our picture to be taken. the elephant has to get back up the bank.It;s sliding a couple of times before it gets up.Husband thinks this might be a good time to get rid of the heavyweight but the fingernails were hooked into his back too deep.
we are in spitting distance of a huge rhino,I try to take a photo but battery flat. it turns out somehow I had been taking a movie.If anyone wants pictures of elephant drivers butt,I have them.
we pass many wild animals and return to the hill we came up.we must go down.Elephant looks back at us again.Husband worried.elephant slides a bit.Down the hill and ride is over.Husband is sure wife's fingernails visible in his chest hair and asks driver for a crowbar. After extricating wife from husband,husband gets off elephant to discover back sore, arse sore, and bandages needed back and front of chest.wife is smiling and said she had a good time,husband still sitting on soft ring cushion.
wife wants to feed elephant. Husband wants to feed wife to elephant.Husband says to elephant you happy me happy .
Wife says lets get our photo taken with the lion.we wait in line,get tot he top guys says "whers ticket?" wife looks at husband ,husband goes to get ticket.husband hot and sticky but hurries back in line with ticket. Standing behind lion we are encouraged to touch it. Phot guy keeps telling wife to bend this way and that way.husband thinking he is taking photos of her ample bosom.Husband wants to be away from wild animal and not temp fate too long. Guide says no."You must kiss lions head."Husband not keen. wife says "go on kiss the lion" Husband remembers wife making sign will befor leaving home.Husband kisses lions head and is happy to be not eaten.Husband thinks paybacks a b*(ch as he heads to the toilet.
Husband visits toilet.There's a trough on the wall.there's lucky stones on the floor under it like a garden with a concrete ledge. Husband thinks how to pee? step on the stones? step on the concrete ledge? or pee form this side of ledge? I think of my younger days when I could pee a mile .I look down and say to myself "are you feeling lucky" I quickly step on the stones for a closer shot.
While waiting for elephant photo wife decides to go for a drink.she hands me the hat the sunnies and the camera.she comes back collects the pic but leaves me with her stuff.i ask why she cant carry her own stuff.she cant look at the pic and carry at the same time.
waling under the mist I cant help thinking of the tassie ad for water that changes things after a dip in it. wife walks out of the mist,husband sad,shes still the same model.
As we are sitting in the safari bus to take us back to the entrance wife says "I'd live to do that again before we go home!" Husband nods to her while thinking "No way"
returning to hotel thinking about Bintan,I must have said it out loud becuase wife says no time,more shopping to do................
to be continued..............anika cooking school